The Dick Van Dyke Show - S02E29 - It's a Shame She Married Me

by: Roosevelt Hunt

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Transcript:

[2.23]
Van Dyke Show Starring Morey Amsterdam Larry Matthew Mary Tyler Moore minute oh very yeah going nourishing sorry got a financial problem on my mind well in that case you'll be glad to hear that this delicious meal cost us 87 cents which I think makes it fantastic 87 cents yeah inexpensive cut of beef leftover string beans sherry wine a lot of wild herbs didn't like it didn't you oh yeah it was the best eighty seven seven meal I ever had under 70 cents chicken wings fried rice pearl onions cream sauce red radishes and bread pudding boy that sounds cheap bargain basement cookin bargain basement cooking I call it creative cuisine er it's a way of expressing myself and saving money any chance been talking to our accountant well as a matter of fact your Sidney did call and he said way over budget not to spend anything for a while I talked to him is a two-week I wasn't talking about food he was just talking about things all right destitute I know but he did say not to buy anything we don't absolutely mean I even asked him about that broken spring you're fighting he said to let the upholstery go for a while want some coffee can we afford it oh I don't understand this honey well I make a good living we always have to cut corners you when we were first married we lived in a one-room apartment on a lot less why didn't the money fly out the window then well a lot more windows now cream is twice as expensive yuck and glimpse your last night I'm a failure what you're not happy conclusion I work hard but I never have any money when I need it so he must be a failure wait a minute you're the head writer if you're a failure that would make me an assistant failure look at me Rob you're a failure okay what brought this on all of a sudden no wait let me guess uh you either had a fight with Laura or you got a quick note from the revenue department neither one but I had such an argument with myself driving down here I almost blew my top hey speaking of blowing your top would you ask Rumplestiltskin to crawl back up to his law robbed our new sponsors here to meet us new sponsor yes darling products bought half of our show for next season products yes the president wants to meet all the people connected with the show what's his name well Jim darling Jim darling what kind of a name is that for president hey we seen him there for the products or the products named after him no I've seen him buddy and the products were named after him yeah Jim darling but I think I know him well of course you do his pictures been on magazine covers all year I'll bring him in I think I know him personally really Jim darling Jim darling hey maybe it was very lovely these are our writers hi miss Sally Roger I love your products I love your attitude there's any Sorel I can't wait to see your name at the bottom of my paycheck this is our head writer Rob Petri mr. pendrick Jim darling excuse me for staring at you but I'm sure I know you well of course you're doing he's one of our nation's most dynamic businessmen I had a boy mail keep a civil tongue on his boots


[244.03]
you know I think I know you too of course do you remember a girl named Laura Laura her last name was said Laura mian mian oh yeah you did you know Laura know her well you're talking about one of the great memories of my life I am Laura Mian mmm what a figure she had you know if I knew where she was I proposed to her right in the spot what ever happened to her uh yeah marry her really yeah she likes me


[281.99]
you're lucky dog this is she still has attractive oh yes yes she's very attractive very well yeah but you know what Oh older and this very settled I'd love to see her yeah well I'm sure she'd love to see you well then well what'd you stop us listen why don't you all drop up to my penthouse tomorrow night I'll break open some champagne and toes my sponsoring the show wonderful and I'll get to see Laura mean again Laura Petri well I'll always think of her as little Laura mean oh well I always think of for as big Laura Petri Omar Nathan on behalf of our entire company I accept with pleasure mr. darling may I bring an escort an escort well you can bring an escort if you like but I must inform you I'm not married I'm coming alone Hey business or pleasure strictly please go to leave my wife home Bob you will bring more Oh Jim I uh I'll certainly check that you uh never got married uh well how could I you got my girl I see tomorrow night are you coming Cooney yes darling Jim


[357.26]
okay that's what I say we get to work


[367.0]
boy what a dog I say do you gotta have a sponsor that's the kind of a sponsor to have hey you sure you two fellas have to go to that party tomorrow night what are you trying to do narrow it down to get him in you if possible yes I wonder if the janitor of a building is like the captain of a ship what I mean Kenny Marius I like a simple basement wedding just the obedient help buddy Rob you two guys have to go what you stay home look I'm your friend right I can't say no when it comes to a sponsored all right you wrote well I could go I know Laura I'd love to go but I don't think she'll probably make it why not because I ain't gonna tell her about it [Music] well they're all chipped and cracked we're gonna eat 70 cent meals can't really see it off our good dinner we're drying if we did that then our good dinnerware would get ripped and crackin with a bad good dinnerware well then why don't we buy some new everyday stuff I know I know Calum says we can't afford it for another month another month I'd like to take every one of these in to him in a trash can be so angry at our poor little dishes with a cute raspberries on him because these poor little dishes were the cute little raspberries on our chip and crack and every chip and crack reminds me of our sad financials - Wow what started you on that


[466.61]
well what are we doing tomorrow night bridge night Millie and Geri you disappointed them three weeks in a row so I hope you haven't made other plans no sir no we committed ourselves to our good neighbors and we're gonna live up to that commitment the world would be a lot better if everybody was committed [Music] everybody lived up to their commitments what's more important old friends are very old friends what on earth are you talking about hello oh hi Sally what am I wearing to what whoo yeah sure Rob told me about them I just forgot for the moment um I haven't decided what to wear but I'll call you and let you know all right father see yes who came in the office today why didn't you tell me Jim darling was in town I did when I asked you what we're doing tomorrow night honey why would I ask you that if it was not a kind of Jim darling I didn't know well I'm you I asked you what we're gonna do tomorrow night you said we're playing bridge with million Jerian and you and you said how important was to honor commitments yeah I thought you'd probably rather well play bridge or go to a stuffy old cocktail party with you know an old flame look well yeah he's all great well not you're not you wouldn't not that kind of green you would Julie want to go we'll go Oh might be uncomfortable for you why would you be uncomfortable for me I know you love me I'll call Jarry play-fighting hey meaning well sure I mean he's anxious to see you and you you're anxious to do well see him aren't you you sure you won't get insanely jealous and sit in the corner mumble


[617.91]
mumbling what are you doing out there rich why do you want to drink the water your throat right how did you hear what rich said his throat's dry oh boy oh boy oh boy dry throat well honey do you think we ought to leave him with a sitter when he might be brewing up something here oh darling it's probably nothing yeah well I'll tell you that every eight of his nasal cavities are well we'll see about that in the morning young man back to bed honey what'd you think of you know I gotta call Jim and tell him we can't to make it whatever you said yeah well you're right I will I want to call him he'll be disappointed he can't see you honey but


[680.48]
hello mr. red Jim darling please hey Jim Rob Rob Petrie yeah hey listen Jim we would love to come to that little base yours tomorrow night but we are kids sick no no nothing serious just a little nasal passages yeah all ate them well you know we don't like to leave it when he's feeling kind under the weather you know might leave emotional scars or so well yeah I know it listen to her Laura's gonna feel awful it's a shame she wanted so much to see you it's a pity you couldn't come up here you know well yeah you can listen Jim it's a long long drive up here it's you know ridden 8:30 well yeah so you bring the whole party right right up at our house wonderful yes well Jim why he's a handsome millionaire coming up here examining my chip dishes my lumpy couch and my married wife so they come to this war and I supported by one of her old boyfriends yes hey honey good news I called Jim I talked him into bringing a whole party up here and that wonderful huh [Music] tater chips corn Curly's wheat webbie's peanut Pippi's and potato poopies stuff gets cuter every year my guys Cola ginger ale club soda glasses nuts I checked everything cigarettes ice cubes coma everything's perfect good kind of a shame too why because I'm calling off the party you're not wearing that dress this dress oh honey I see the fabrics fabric well it's not enough bourbon honey you go in the other room and put on a nice conservative business suit yeah well I let you get away with it that's all goodness I'll get that you put on a sweater or a lumberjack hi hi oh it's you I'm sorry next time I'd ever be somebody more important I know you expecting your sponsor yeah you know what you're right it's better without the matching jacket what magic is real matching jacket where is the matching jacket i don't you dare cover up those beautiful shoulders you want to impress your sponsor don't you Jerri


[864.91]
Laura me darling darling that's just Benjamin calm man it's so wonderful C wonderful thing you do you get to a few feet apart you can see each other better now you haven't changed a bit of anything you're more of you hey Jim come here I want you to meet some wonderful people this is Jerry and Billie helper our name Jerry how are you and this is our new sponsor Jim darling anyway let's get that right Jim our darling sponsor well uh buddy where's that pickles she's taking a course in cooking she's tied home she's rehearsing breakfast [Music] you know this is lovely home you have here oh thank you that's in my favorite Picasso I have enough son oh do you know one of those prints well he has the original oh oh well it pretty has a lot of advantages if the house blows up I'm only out two bucks I'm sure it'll be all right every wonderful land does everything for me I don't know what I'd do without him yeah yeah I know what you mean I feel the same way about wallet where you been hiding them Walters the man who comes in once a month to do the woodwork windows you Kidder well uh Jim how long are you gonna be in town not long I'm a doing Australia very soon Oh wonderful well I mean you know Australia's beautiful this time of the week oh by the way Jim your plane tickets will be on your desk tomorrow morning thank you no trouble at all let's see Australia Bangkok and then right on to Hong Kong all jet that'll get me in Hong Kong yes some time for the Chinese New Year gee imagine being in Hong Kong for Chinese New Year's it must be exciting to make trips like that I'm gonna plan the long trip next month Laura Rhydian where you going well generally a first ladies will take us to White Plains and the mock kiss goal Peekskill Lana where's burrow and that'll get us to a Grossinger's time for Hanukkah


[1019.179]
hello yes yes just a moment please Jim it's for you long distance Melbourne Australia wow I hope you don't mind a gave me your number no I like Australia to have my number hello yes what's the good news sir Douglas Douglas how about that a man with the title talking to a house with a mortgage uh-huh yes well I've talked to my associates in London and that will take a 32 thousand more shares well that's what I call real class a guy talks wrong business you don't even harm a regards to lady Hanna I'm sorry about sorry listen when news of that phone call gets out on the street real estate values are gonna go sky-high say hiya I reminds me I got a call Sydney Australia no Sydney bleep in my account tennis golf handball that's what keeps me trippin well man like you should take time for things like tennis a dolphin marriage I don't get much progenitor golf but I get married in a minute if I could buy another girl like Lauren how about another girl like Sally another girl how about Sally darling Laura darling hey that would have been her name and she married you Laura darling him everything would have been an entirely different and lady Pamela be right here in this room eatin corn peas and potato curtly Mediterranean and you'd have been thrown overboard by now and Jim do you own a yacht just a small one yeah yeah Jim how do you get to be so successful I mean is there a magic formula well I don't think there's any one formula for success it's a combination of luck and persistence and the willingness to get rich relatives


[1135.15]
wealthy no as a matter of fact they weren't dead dad had a little grocery and I was born right in the back of the store oh is that I did I ever tell you I was born of a quick grocery store - oh really yeah what's because we didn't have a front of a grocery store we were really a pretty poor in those days things are pretty tough Terry Ford yeah you think you were born my family was so poor at the church mouse with my house your father was the first to carry frozen foods in his grocery store was that's right he was one of the first there weren't too many freezers in those days so they had to scrape a little money together and we bought some freezers mented mountain we were on our way this is exciting yeah it's regular ratio algae story Alger how is that junk at the bottom of the fish tank


[1186.85]
well we went into some other appliances you know diversified and then we went international I guess that's about it gee that whole thing started with freezers up yeah man that's cool huh you know some Jim Jerry's a guy a lot like you know trying new things all the time - first down our block to play month - Bonnie records while he's drilling yeah that's that's right oh it's nothing compared to what you've done Jim Oh I'll second that boy for a man of his age and handsomest he's accomplished more than anybody I know oh I don't know about that ah would anyone like some coffee yes as a matter of fact I could use a cup okay um I'll help you Lauren Sally I said I'm gonna get it oh boy are you gonna get it very interesting evening hey hey so when I Mar was wonderful seeing you again Ron thank you so much for your hospitality uh Jimmy you were still gonna sponsor our show well sure why not well I thought good night Jim good night Rob good night Laura yeah take it easy good night that's bye


[1261.21]
well thank you very much for what thank you for what you did for me tonight what are you talking about you know very well what I'm talking about thank you for making this party a disaster I turned it into a disaster you certainly did what did I do what did you do you're my wife action so far will you please try and act like a wife well I'm sick you take care of me don't you yeah but your cold compresses and you give me a thermometer and a hot chicken soup where were you when I needed you tonight you weren't sick tonight oh no don't you call paranoia a sickness


[1340.09]
now paranoia persecution complex insecurity fear and envy oh boy good wife doesn't treat paranoia going around ask people there what a potato poopie what did you want me to do well if you really wanted to help me you should have done something dramatic pour hot coffee on me set my hair on fire anything only did one good thing is heaving and that was to prove that millionaire was and sewing shoes as cashmere socks how lucky he was not to be married to a wife who would stand there letter another to make a complete jackass of himself we're really aware of what you said oh we're never in my 30 odd years of life have I been so embarrassed and humiliated and ashamed you know you could have taken me aside and quietly whispered to me that I have things that that millionaire hasn't got I got a nice house and a charming son and a beautiful wife right now if you had any compassion you'd put your arms around me and tell me that you're as sorry for me as I am for myself oh honey the next time I start to put my foot in my mouth will you please stop me well I'm not sure we mean it's kind of interesting very flattering to see a man destroy himself for the love of a beautiful woman


[1422.16]
[Music] are you doing what does it look like you're breaking our dishes but why just because some of them are chipped no because the chips and cracks in these dishes are the living symbols of my financial insecurity and I don't like them around mocking me at mealtime you mean you'd feel more financially secure if we defied our accountant and bought new dishes very much go [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]



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