Half in the Bag Episode 81: The Hobbit - The Battle of the Five Armies

by: RedLetterMedia

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half in the bag put it in my hobbit hole

this percocet food it can be is oxycodone food it can be clozapine isn't that a drug for crazy people I don't know what we're gonna do now J that this house is sitting on the bottom of a lake yeah it's a good thing we put all these garbage bags over the windows it's helping to keep all this water out yeah who would have thought that some duct tape and garbage bags would be able to withstand the water pressure of a gigantic lady J this whole sinking house saga of ours has gone on longer than a Peter Jackson Hobbit film mmm hey speaking of The Hobbit did you hear Kim jong-un was threatening to bomb movie theaters that were playing the interview ha ha little does he know that movie theaters are already filled with bombs speaking of bombs do you want to watch The Hobbit part three and talk about it I guess so what else do we have to do down here it'll kill approximately seven hours ah why no beer it is their hobbit part 3 disc 1 oh Jesus Jesus Christ the player play how are we getting electricity down here yeah sorry you gave a promise

you brought upon them only ruin and death if one the mountain is not enough

Peter Jackson's The Hobbit series is back but sadly the Denny's Hobbit menu is not I wanted to fill my hobbit hole in this third installment called the Battle of the five armies four armies fight each other to get into a mountain filled with gold a bunch of strange things happen involving ghosts and laser beams then there is a bunch of fighting and then there isn't Frodo Baggins then returns to the Shire the only place in the world he feels safe and at home only to find out that his neighbors have declared him dead and robbed him got my Hobbit the Battle of the five armies Cup what are you doing oh I'm making a gin and tonic

you ready to talk about the hoppers about that so Jay what did you think of The Hobbit Battle of the five armies the final Lord of the Rings Hobbit film in the JRR Tolkien's universe can I tell you I honestly didn't know until today that the subtitle for the movie was the Battle of the five armies I've cared so little in paying attention this movie I just knew it was the final Hobbit movie and even though there was a title um well Mike what did you think of The Hobbit the Battle of the five armies well I had no idea what was going on the whole time I was gonna say like III I know that when we saw the second movie I thought it was better than the first movie and I know that I enjoyed it to a certain extent I would be very hard for us to tell you anything that happened in it is the first one when when when Gandalf said you shall not pass that was a reward rings that was in the first Lord of the Rings film well watch I was 27 years ago let me just let me just throw this out there okay I had no idea what was happening the whole time and I am to blame for that partially because I accept some blame because you know there's Lord of the Rings fans out there literally who you know and and really like I I watched the other two movies once didn't pay the closest of attention I could have rewatched the second one the first one I could have familiarized myself a little more with what's happening I know the movie is supposed to do that for you but still I accept some of some of the blame because I have no idea what's happening what's-her-face shows up kate from lost no cate blanchett shames lanchette from loss and then Christopher Lee's there and I'm like I thought he was a bad guy yeah and then there's a bunch of ghosts and they're there fighting ghosts and then the devil comes through the sky and Cate Blanchett turns into a 1980s video game and she has salt or the best part of the movie that was a pretty awesome part but I'm just like yeah no fucking idea what's going on and then I'm watching I'm sick oh yeah there's dwarves in this yes yeah and and and a Gandalf is is in a metal cage hanging off a cliff I'm like I don't know if I'm ending up there I don't remember I got there I remember there was a mountain and I remember Smaug well how could you forget to me it's hard to forget Smaug and it's hard to forget that Smaug was a breathing fire onto the Lake City and he was like that was a big cliffhanger smokes gonna fuck everything up and I knew that the bard was going to shoot a black arrow and kill the small see I didn't even I took me a while to get this as you say you're partially to blame but I'm also going to blame the lack of interest in the movies like the lack of memorable characters or like because I've had no desire to revisit those first two Hobbit movies just to watch them again and this is coming from someone who loves the Lord of the Rings movies or in preparation for this so when this movie starts it literally starts right where the last one left off so in addition to this being its own movie it's also we're watching the ending of the second movie this whole opening should have been the ending of the second movie it had a very lackluster cliffhanger ending but yeah we're seeing the bow man the bar what is it the bar does that really call yeah but that you see him I completely forgot who he was I was like oh that's that guy that was in the last movie why is Gandalf in a cage I just I cared so little about what was going on in the previous two movies I I don't even know if I could tell you the characteristics of most of the characters in these Hobbit movies I think it's because the bigger more epic story was told first and this watching these three movies the problem is is that it doesn't feel like there's there's that much at stake and it doesn't feel like there's that that cent centricity where it's like with the the Lord of the Rings movies it's like the the eye in the sky the whatever Saruman Sarang Sarang um and it's like there's this big evil force and we all gotta rally together to stop it and it was more clear yes well it's clear and there's like I said there's more at stake with this like over half a movie is just one long battle sequence but it's just a bunch of groups of people right like fighting over gold in the Lord of the Rings movies like they're fighting for the fate of the world yeah I don't care about these these dwarfs and their gold I was more interested in the bard character yeah his his storyline as opposed to every now and then you'd see like like Bilbo Baggins going like this behind characters and that's his role this whole movie is yeah hey what are you guys up to Smaug gets killed and then it's like okay everyone was scared of this big fucking dragon no one wanted to touch that mountain now that Smaug is dead it's filled with gold here comes everybody I think that's what the plot was yes although I don't I don't know what the orcs were doing why does it work Swan gold I don't know and then and then ever everyone kept going whoa yeah there should be it should be a drinking game because every time they say were Legolas and Kate from Lost we're they good like let's go you know and and observe the kingdom somewhere and and then like like bats flew out yeah and then he sees and she's like what a doll he's like they're bats and that only means one thing they're bats of war these bats are bred for one purpose

all the armies fight but nobody goes in the mountain to get the gold that they have to fight they have to have war before they go in to get me gold it's weird because the first two movies like I think our biggest complaints were that there's so many subplots and so many so much added bloated shit and this movie there's almost too little going on there's not enough to support a whole movie that's which is why the battle just is like endless I remember the Hobbit book being a magical little venture about a hobbit who finds a ring and a frog that wants to take it take it from and and in this it's like I don't know what's going on and the they I think when the devil came through the sky with the laser beams and the good the ghosts yeah I think that was Sauron yes and then constantly cate blanchett banished him into the nether regions yes and then Christopher Lee says I'm gonna go talk to Sauron myself yes which is a bleed into the movies leave Sauron to me and that's that's the the big thing is like as much as I love the Lord of the Rings movies even the ending of this which I won't give away too much but it is a nice tie-in with the first Lord of the Rings movie like no emotion for me not even like a tingle of nostalgia I just I watched this movie completely distant yeah there is a little disconnect between the emotional connection with with the characters now I felt the emotion being put on me I know what they were going for but I don't care about any of these people yeah the Lord of the Rings movies very distinct characters very memorable characters o sucker for some sappy Howard Shore music okay the guy warms warms the cockles of my heart and I was like oh you know this character died that character died but really it was really bizarre when Bilbo dumb spoilers no spoilers I'm sorry I would say out of the three it's the best which isn't saying a whole lot I see I can't remember the this one felt the most like if you eliminated the dumb love triangle subplot was Kate from lost and little dwarf and Legolas eliminated that cut off the opening with the resolution of Smaug subplot it would be almost like just a standalone fantasy adventure film about all these people fighting over gold and it kind of works for as far as that goes you started this we'll forgive me

when faced with death what can anyone do

others fight our battles for us what's weird is that we've reached a point where you can watch a movie that's this grand and scale and just be like man cuz this is I mean it's its quality filmmaking you know that's its Peter Jackson knows how to make a movie he doesn't know how to edit himself down but he knows how to make a movie and it's it's got a lot of good action in it it's got you know characters have arcs all the stuff that a movie should have but there is that disconnect at this point yeah you really need that you really need that investment you need that I'm really fearing I would have liked the whole movie to be about killing Smaug like watching that town burn and you know surely that was exciting that opening yeah like all that stuff was great and you know the the Oakenshield going mad and uh met dragon disease whatever that was was the mean yeah his is greed I guess so it's kind of similar to the the Ring of Power kind of messing with the brain um until the movie didn't require him to do that anymore and then he just stopped being an asshole and then you know you're sort of making that decision do I stop here but he's getting away on me I don't know I don't know how much of it is just him feeling like oh we're making these I better make it epic so it it bounces out with lower the Rings I mean I know originally it was only supposed to be two movies originally he wasn't even supposed to direct it it was gonna be garel del Toro so I don't know what changed when garam el del Toro left and he's like well I guess because he kind of I think his attitude was like well I made the Lord of the Rings movies that's it for me mm-hmm middle-earth that's it for me garam oh you go make your movies and then when that fell through if he almost felt like like it was more of a burden to make these I have no idea don't know yeah I mean you can't it's hard to disregard the the artistry the effects the costumes sentence all that stuff and and all the detail and all the work that goes into all these action sequences that's worth pointing out because I've heard some people compared The Hobbit movies to the Star Wars prequels and I don't see that at all like this these Hobbit movies have lots of skirt problems and they're bloated but there is clearly care and craft put into yeah no I I think that's a very unfair comparison I mean there are some moments that are like green screen II and and fakey fake a little bit but overall you know it's it's it's amazing it's amazing what films can do but you just you'd need a little more a little more vested interest in what's happening yeah I just wish that Bilbo had more to do than watch other people do things yeah yeah I think Peter Jackson likes the giant monsters and big battles elements more than the little Hobbit element yeah which was I know when the original Lord of the Rings movies were coming out that was Roger Ebert's biggest complaints is that the you know they're about this little Hobbit and his friends and they go off on this grand adventure and I remember him and I don't know if it was fellowship or two towers or he says that the Hobbit character is kind of get lost in the midst of all this bigger these bigger story elements he should be glad he's dead yeah I was gonna say I didn't feel that way about the Lord of the Rings movies I think everything was balanced pretty well yeah but this one the the human elements the the character of the hobbits kind of gets lost not kinda he gets completely lost

you have got one question to us I shall this day

so Jay would you recommend how it's pedals if you mate if you made it this far I guess like I said it's probably the best of the three we're kind of pretty odd being pretty cynical about it but it's it's fine filmmaking good action goes on too long as far as the action goes but the movie is two and a half hours long and it never felt that long because the story is so straightforward and simple so yeah I mean if you like the other movies you're gonna see this as someone that's a big fan of the Lord of the Rings movies I don't have any desire to revisit any of these Hobbit movies ever again oh I was I was hyped for the first Talbot movie I saw the little before the movie came out I saw the Peter Jackson's little videos behind the scenes videos that you would post on Facebook and I'd hear that Hobbit theme music and be like oh we're heading back to middle-earth and then you see the movie no I didn't have quite so much nostalgia for middle-earth and and and it felt like backtracking a little to me I was like the big epic story's been told yeah very much prequel comparison yeah where it's like okay I'll watch them and you know they'll be neat but it feels like the bigger story's already been told yes I very much what I would be interested in revisiting the Hobbit for is to see the fan at it once this one's out and blu-ray where they take all three movies and they cut them down to one movie come on Topher Grace where are you grace us with your fan Edit but why do why why do the orcs even wear armor I don't know six year old kid can kill them just going like bitch they go they spin around and fall down yeah okay they got all these like massive well the UH the elves cut him down like butter so they're really quite useless

so they tried to do a Brady Bunch reunion but everybody forgot that the dad was dead oh how embarrassing mr. blinky you know how to use a computer damn right I do and I think I figured a way out of this bottom of the lake nonsense Oh how's that well I heard you talking about bombs earlier so I figured that an explosion ought to propel the house back up with a surface but how I posted on my blog that Kim Jong on is a fat cowardly murderous pig fucker I figured with that crippled paranoid slob of the Three Stooges haircut here's that why he autumn what oh dear God is that what I

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Jay and Mike talk about The third and final Hobbit film…. while sitting in a house on the bottom of a lake…
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